I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
