guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
