She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
