Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
