dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
