k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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