Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
50% drunk capacity currently
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
