My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
