So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
