My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
