The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
