How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
smell my finger.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
