Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
