apparently the secret to your success is patron
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
