saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
