the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
