my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
