party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
