I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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