Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
