A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
