I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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