I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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