i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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