Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
