I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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