I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
did i just pee glitter
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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