The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I want her autograph on my taint
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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