I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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