How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
