Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
