dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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