in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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