During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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