he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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