I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
