help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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