Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
