I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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