the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
this will be a night to untag.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
