Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
