Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
