I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
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