I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
