I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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