yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Randomize
