this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
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