There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
