my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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