I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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