Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
