I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Girls should come with a carfax report
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
