You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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